Betrayal

I have always maintained I never forgive

ever!

I hold grudges for all eternity

I wait in the shadows and get revenge when I have the chance

I play nice

If you wait long enough and can hold a grudge that long you always get your chance for revenge

I mean, I get it, what the fuck bitch?

One must be seriously bitter to claim all this

I mean I am

I believe that it’s my gender’s heritage

It’s part of my life’s purpose to get revenge for all my female (and blt = bacon lettuce and tomato) mistreated ancestors

I don’t just ask for a safe space for women, I fight for it and create it

I terrorise fragile masculinities and feminities who don’t abide by the law of feminism

I’m a soldier, a sworn fighter against the patriarchy till death

I was about to do this, go down the good old righteous and bitter path

Crack open my and his heart and offer them to the next woman

But I just couldn’t, he really isn’t that bad

It just kind of hit me that I wasn’t just hiding in the shadows waiting for revenge, I was pretty much waiting for betrayal

Yikes, fucken psycho

You’re seriously going to get revenge out of someone who didn’t have a clue they were invading your safe space when they told you their truth?

Someone you slut shamed in the name of feminism

Yeah cause that’s soooooo feminist, right?

Ugh the humanity

The next woman turned out was me who actually matured enough to let go of grudges and realise I’m the problem, it’s me

He’s the problem too

We’re each other’s problems

I mean what have the romans done for us?

That happened

It was a cursed day

everything had gone wrong on that first day of arrival

the volcano was particularly effervescent bellow our feet

the night was particularly dark

violently happy groups of people with flashlights were moving up and down the beach singing and shouting

the mountain goats knew better so they retreated deep into the rocky mountain above us

the sea water that lay at our feet sharply deepened and blackened

we were all done shouting at each other and had gone our separate ways still cursing

when we decided to call it a night we took the path up to the camp site

the dog was darker than the night

I turned around and he was gone

I shouted his name but the flashlights and the people singing made it hard to see or hear

I looked ahead and saw my friend following a group of people blindly

she was lost too

I finally found myself alone in distress

I walked further away from the people and the nighmarish singing to gather my thoughts

I thought hard on how to be in this wilderness

how to make the most of my solitary existence

I could finally hear my voice talking to me

this may well have been the descendant of a million ancestors

they told me to turn my flashlight off and be with the night

I saw that it was beautiful and calm

the stars were so bright and the sea could be heard further than the human rambling

I was less alone than I had been all day

I could sense the dog was safe

I could see

because you asked for it

to Gabe

People become good writers when they reach a point when they realise that in life they find themselves constantly pestered by others to share their thoughts. It’s not out of a superior intellect, narcissism, middle-classness, or the gift of time, it’s because of the the lack of time and energy to devote to the human collective (god they’re trouble) – an incapacity to live up to people’s need to converse with you and yet a desire to give them what they want, what they need. The only solution for not disappointing the collective is by writing down all the answers to the questions anticipated and more. The more you believe in the collective, the more you write.

Poor Kafka, an office clerk, who never finished anything. Never thought highly of himself, but was allegedly considered funny by his friends. Kafka always makes me laugh and the time we’ve spent together has been total bliss. Moreover, I quote wikipedia “Marxists, for example, have sharply disagreed over how to interpret Kafka’s works. Some accused him of distorting reality whereas others claimed he was critiquing capitalism”. Awww the political discourse, however good a time traveller is, how could they foresee this? How to foresee what marxists will come up with?

Sky of hair

Love is a political act

internal political guilt or a false sense of entitlement

will pretty sure lead to times of war

I will go as far as to claim that all bad politicians are people living with a broken heart

I yearn for a narrative where Helen of Troy wrote Iliad herself to ridicule the patriarchy

Let the right one in

So much time wasted

vampires are the least of my troubles

parasites is what I’m most terrified of

someone said I go through life aimlessly

but once I’ve ridded myself of one parasite and on my way, I find the next

the world is a jungle and everything wants to survive

they bite anything they can chew on

they ate my mother

but I don’t hold a grudge

they’re parasites, it’s in their nature

there’s nothing kinkier

than this ecosystem-prison we meet in

2004 battalion

a big big victory

18 years leading up to that moment

fighting against monsters and beasts of society

tiredlessly, bravely, for a love greater than any

solving differential equations, whilst feeding and washing and driving and walking the dog

every day, every waking moment

and then you win!

I still can’t believe it

I won, me, of all people

more experienced, more together champions didn’t make it

and I did!

and the next day I woke up and thought ‘I won!’

and the next, and the next…

and then what?

what could be next?

a greyhaired and wrinkled 41-year-old

looking for her 23-year-old self

I looked around and nothing in my life was making sense anymore

and then you think

‘could I try one more time? this time for me? and could I win again?’

I guess I have more experience…

but do I love myself enough?

after altering my existence for the greatest love of all for 18 years?

do I even know what I want? do I know how to want?

Fuck! it wasn’t me who won, it was my favourite person

I was merely the driver of his childhood’s trailer

and now I’m a tired and unemployed war-veteran

a celebrated and loved hero

who needs to let go of war and remember a time of peace

left right

You know when someone says “turn left” but you get confused and turn right… yeah it never should have been called left and right, it was just calling for disaster.

The facebook institution

We all assume that Zuckerberg is a bad guy and facebook is his evil baby. Clearly he must be with all that money and power, not to mention he was part of the reason that Trump got elected. In addition, a paranoia inducing algorithm is causing mind numbing hate and fascism to flourish throughout the world. Yet we continue using it. In fact I feel more likely to read news that interest me there rather than anywhere else and as I scroll down the guilt grows and grows, while a voice in my head tells me to log out immediately and not log back in for at least a couple of hours, while another voice says “just one more page down, one more, only one more”. Eventually I log out and start scrolling through some of my favourite news sources, only trying to envision my facebook feed in my head just to remember what they are. Maybe my facebook cookies have overtaken my free will, or maybe my free will is not free or mine anymore, after the domestic violence of Zuckerberg and his evil baby have inflicted. I wonder, is it facebook to fear or fear itself for free anything? Maybe it is the exploration of our own soul on the magic carpet of cookies that is evil, maybe we should feel ashamed for what our cookies have become… But even with fascist idiots creating groups and bullying other people, speech is free-er than anywhere else, with the exception of physical or… well virtual meetings. In a world hanging from a thread of propaganda since the birth of the free economy, could the real danger be fear of random unregulated information, which is not constructed for and directed at you, not for the ‘right’ political reasons anyway, you, the resource that the vague idea of money offered as morgage at the dawn of capitalism? Is Zuckerberg breaking democracy, or the false sense that it is real? Is facebook systematically exposing us to a larger picture than we were supposed to see? Are the cookies more patronising, the ‘like’ surveillance or the inteference of states into what and how we communicate and get information? Are they really angry because Zuckerberg is manipulating us, or because he is not manipulating us in a ‘civil’ way holding up pretences as every institutional international authority has secretly vowed to do?

I never thought I’d sincerely have a question like this, but is the free market or luke-warm institutional economics more dangerous after all?

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2021/oct/25/facebook-whistleblower-frances-haugen-calls-for-urgent-external-regulation

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2021/oct/05/facebook-whistleblower-accuses-firm-of-serially-misleading-over-safety

Karma

There was this article that kept reappearing in my social media feed entitled “karma doesn’t work the way you think” or something. Wasn’t that interested in reading it rather than the title. Somehow when you’ve lived through a few storylines in life from start to finish you recognise that the title is incredibly meaningful by itself. You look back at stories of the past or you hear young children express anxiety for the future and you smile because there are things you already know not about what will happen, but the laws you know by now govern it. The faithful calmness doesn’t come from karma, but it’s faith in the eternal interaction between the laws of life and the human you have before you, the product of billions of years of karma. Sometimes when something is building up inside, events and people might unfold and say things respectively almost supernatural in connection to your own situation. Connectivity between everything makes karma feel almost democratic.

When Jim called to arrange to meet up, I knew karma was coming. He’s one of those people who have affected my life profoundly, first time we had sex was together, first person who told me I made a huge mistake to have had a kid just after having had it and my kid’s favourite one of my friends. Essentially the most important thing we taught each other was how to love the opposite sex. We spent the day together and talked and talked about frustration and covid and married life and kids and our pretty female friends being the most under-recorded group of bullying victims. There’s something about people like that, which reminds you what you are, where you came from and then magically the stars align and something that was blocked is finally freed. Somehow you stop wondering what will happen next and you remember that you knew all along that whatever happens will not be just or good, but will make perfect sense one day.

https://bigthink.com/culture-religion/karma-doesnt-work-how-most-people-think?rebelltitem=6#rebelltitem6

Manic compulsive monogamous bonobo

Really bonobos are disgustingly sexual, they do everything imaginable, which contributes to social cohesion. So, imagine being a manic compulsive monogamous bonobo. That would be so perverse and sad… it is probably the bonobo equivalent of paedophilia. You wouldn’t be able to connect to anyone and as if that wouldn’t be enough, you’d probably be ridiculously sexually frustrated. When I studied biology, we learned that monogamy is probably the worst strategy in the animal kingdom and unless things are a bit rough, makes no sense whatsoever. Me and a group of my closest coursemate friends gathered case studies, evolutionary biology and ethology related information in order to make a case for monogamy. We knew we didn’t have a case almost from the beginning, but we kept looking and putting in our all. Finally, we presented our case and won the debate as a result of popular vote. Most of our coursemates voted for us, even though the other team was just so blatently better. Poor sad lonely monogamous bonobo looking at the sunset with your headphones on, you may be miserable, but there is an alien self-conscious species full of fucked up freaks who feels for you.